You are okay

I had a bit of a panic this week. It happens. I get a bit down in the dumps sometimes as I’m not far away from turning 30 and I just feel a bit disappointed in where I am in life right now. When I was a teenager, I thought I’d have my own house by now and maybe be engaged.

I think the trigger that made me panic was that our landlord who lives with us in our shared house decided to re-decorate the lounge which is absolutely fine but I work from home in that room and no-one really bothered to tell me. My boyfriend told me a day or two before it was happening and it means I can’t work from home there for a bit. I just feel a bit put out, if that was me and I knew I was disturbing someone I would of sat them down and told them face to face but maybe that’s just me.

I’ve always wanted my own space. It’s just so expensive and I’m getting to stage where I almost just don’t believe it will ever happen again. It makes me sad. I just want somewhere to call my own.

I’m not really in the best position for it anyway. I’m on a temporary contract work wise which could end in the next few weeks and my boyfriend isn’t working. Still. Don’t get me started. I don’t want to push him because I know life is a bit all doom and gloom at the moment but I don’t feel like he’s trying as hard as he could. I know as soon as I say something it will cause an argument and I just don’t have the energy for it. I’m barely keeping it together as it is. We’re getting on well which is great considering I moved in properly during lockdown so it could of gone either way but I’m happy. He makes me happy but I’d be happier if he put more effort into finding a job. We could start getting back on the right path in life.

No wonder I feel so tired at the moment with all of this going on in my head but the point of writing this all down is so I can put my thoughts into some of order. I know I’m okay, deep down I do. I have a roof over my head with food and water, etc. I am lucky. I have a job (for now) and have money coming in to pay for things. I need to remember that I’m okay. Yes I don’t have the house or a ring but I’m good, really… I’m okay.

Things I’m grateful for today:

• Having pretty nails (currently blue and sparkly!)
• My parents living close by so I can work from home from theirs
• Baths
• Bath bombs
• Being able to read books
• Harry Potter
• Having a job
• Work being quiet so I can relax a little
• All the presents I’ve bought myself for my own advent calendar I’m creating
• Parcels – always exciting when parcels arrive
• Cats
• My dad who is letting me disrupt him working from home
• My boyfriend putting up with my nonsense
• Having a good relationship with both my boyfriend and family
• Friends who I can always message about anything
• Being able to go for a nice walk at lunch time
• headphones
• music

Lockdown Life

Just looking through my most recent posts and there’s definitely a theme. I’m grumpy and trying to be more grateful. I also worry a lot. This has not changed over lockdown at all.

Uncategorized

Always be Kind

Last week a colleague at work gave me a £30 voucher for a shop called Home Sense. It was extremely kind of them. They weren’t going to use it and it expired in a few days. They knew I would put it to good use and I did. I messaged one of my friends who…

May 3, 2023

Uncategorized

Everything is heavy right now

I made it in and cracked on. I feel like my manager is watching me a lot at the moment. Its irritating me. Does she not trust me? She gave me 6/10 recently which upset me. Does she think I’m rubbish at my job? Its a bit weird. I think I’m doing a good job.…

September 27, 2022

Uncategorized

Things are not always as bad as you think are going to be

I’m not usually a commuter. My work is about a 10 min walk. So when I was asked to go to our Sheffield office in one day, I wasn’t overly keen. I would have to get up at 5:30am compared to my 8am and I wouldn’t be home until 9pm compared to my 5:30pm. I…

September 23, 2022

I’m trying to get a better control of my worries and grumpiness. I lost it a little bit of the weekend. I just felt very unhappy with how my life is. I turned 27 this year and maybe I was naive but I thought I’d have my life together a bit more by now. I thought I’d at least have my own house. I didn’t realise how difficult it would be. I’m hoping I’ll get there one day but I’m just craving my own space right now.

I live in two houses, my parents and my boyfriend’s. My parents house is the home I grew up in. It’s special. My boyfriend’s house is shared with another couple. This is not my home. If I’m being honest, I hate this house. Nothing about it is mine. I have no control. I feel trapped sometimes. I can’t even have a bath here as the plumbing is dodgy. My boyfriend doesn’t get it, he’s been here for 5 years and is comfortable. I’m hoping to get him out of this house one day.

He’s not helping at the moment. He doesn’t have a job at the moment. We both left the company we worked for at the end of last year. We both were planning on having a month or two off. That didn’t happen. I fell into a job within a few weeks and he’s still not working. It’s been 9 months. His mental wellbeing wasn’t great from his last job so I expected him to have a few months off, but then Covid hit. Life is slowly coming back to normal but he still doesn’t seem motivated to get back into it. I’m trying to be supportive and understanding but you can’t just not work. He needs a kick up the ass which I’m providing every so often.

I have a job. I was only suppose to be here for 2 weeks. It’s now been 8 months. I do like it, I’m enjoying what I’m doing. Most of the time. It’s definitely 80/20 which is healthy. Every day can’t be great. The thing that bugs me is that I’m a temp. A contractor. I get paid weekly instead of monthly. I don’t get sick pay and I get limited holiday pay. It’s not ideal. I keep pushing to be made permanent but I think if it doesn’t happen soon, I may have to start looking elsewhere. I need to feel secure in at least one part of my life and this one looks to be the easiest at the moment.

I do feel secure in some parts of my life. My relationship is in a good place considering we’ve been in lockdown together and he’s not working. We’re doing good. I’ve also lost nearly a stone since the start of lockdown so it’s not all doom and gloom.

You know what’s coming…. the list of what I’m grateful for. Right now.

I’m grateful for:

• Having a job especially as a lot of people have been furloughed/made redundant
• Enjoying my job 80/20 of the days
• Being able to support both my boyfriend & I money wise
• Being able to buy myself treats (who else is going to?)
• Music
• Walks
• The weather cooling down, I’m definitely more of an Autumn/Winter person
• Being able to lose some weight, hope that scale keeps going down
• Enjoying exercising again
• Having pretty nails
• My mum – she’s pretty cool most of the time, she surprised me with a massage a week or two ago
• My boyfriend – he’s a pain sometimes but he’s a good egg really, he puts up with my nonsense
• Acknowledging my anxiety and being able to work on dealing with it
• Being able to live with my boyfriend even if it’s not our place
• Being able to go back to my parents when I need some peace and quiet

Grumpy Grateful

I am feeling very grumpy today. More than usual. My boyfriend was irritating me as we woke up this morning. My manager is irritating me for not taking my concerns seriously. I just want to go back to bed and start again.

This is a time where more than ever, I need to get over myself. So definitely in need of starting a what to be grateful about right now, even if it’s super difficult to be grateful about anything sometimes:

I’m grateful for:

1. Having the ability to work from home
2. Having a lie in from not having to travel to the office
3. that my manager can’t hear me moan about her
4. coffee
5. Cats
6. Fluffy dressing gowns
7. Having a mother who tells you how it is, especially when you don’t want to hear it
8. A boyfriend who doesn’t put up with my shit
9. still having said boyfriend
10. Autumn leaves looking pretty
11. having a sense of humour
12. not having too much to work to do
13. being able to do my job well
14. controlling my anger
15. not killing anyone
16. knowing that I need to sort myself out
17. knowing that I can rely on myself to be better
18. still trying
19. feeling good after a run in the rain
20. remembering I have 2 days of annual leave left to book 🙂

I feel better now. 🙂

Be more grateful

I’ve been very grumpy the last few weeks. Feeling sorry for myself and just blaming everything and everyone.

Realistically I should be more grateful. I do not have a bad life. I have a roof over my head, two in fact. I have a job with money coming in to buy food and clothes, even stuff that I don’t really need.

As my mother likes to tell me often, I need to get over myself. I hate it when she’s right but she is, life is good so I’ve decided to do a list every so often of what I’m grateful to snap me out of this misery.

Today on 1st November, I am grateful for:

1. Managing to get to the train station on time
2. Not getting too wet on the way to work from the rain
3. Feeling like I had a good, deep sleep the night before
4. Remembering that I have pre-made lunch from last night
5. Organising to go for a run at lunch
6. My manager not being in on a Friday!
7. My workload being busy but not urgent
8. Chatting to my friend via whatsapp about the day to days of work
9. For my anxiety behaving itself for now
10. For not being made redundant yet
11. For having a boyfriend who makes me happy
12. For having a boyfriend who teaches me how to be a better person
13. That I get to go home tonight and just relax
14. Having the strength to get on with my head
15. having the strength to fight my demons in my head
16. having the strength to try and eat more healthy
17. having a good food day so far
18. going for a run
19. having a good run
20. my lovely running partner
21. having a few good colleagues
22. chicken
23. being asked to come in for an interview for a new job
24. supportive friends like L & E
25. being able to write a list up to 25 things I’m grateful!

Life is a worry

I’m naturally a worrier. I always have been for as long as I remember.

There’s lots to worry about at the moment. I’m really worried about my boyfriend at the moment. His dad has recently had a major operation and has reacted a bit funny to the anaesthetic. He suddenly feels very anxious and unsafe which is unlike him. My boyfriend is worried that he’s going to end up living in a mental institute.  This is a case of worrying gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere. I also know that 97% of things we worry about never actually happen. His dad might not have to live in a mental institute, he might just need some time for the anaesthetic to wear off. It’s been a few days now so maybe the next step is the doctors for peace of mind.

Worrying never helps anyone but sometimes you can’t help it if that’s how your mind is set.

Another worry of mine is that I’m losing touch with a lot of my friends at the moment. I’m so busy at work that I get home and just want to relax. I’ve noticed more recently that I actually don’t have as much in common with my friends as I thought. I’ve recently found them quite immature and there’s so much drama. They’re the same age as me. They recently organised a trip to Alton Towers which I opted out of, there were four going and unfortunately one of them had to bail last minute. Considering it’s not a cheap place so they would of lost the money, all I’ve heard is them moaning about this individual dropping out. She hasn’t stopped them from going and she hasn’t asked for the money back. She’s actually quite ill but that’s not the point, must people wouldn’t give up £100 so easily. Where’s the friendship? Where’s the support? It made me sad.

What also made me sad was (worry number 3) that one of my oldest closest friends just won’t accept my boyfriend. She’s known him for a lot longer than me but she thinks she has this hold on him where she knows him better than me which isn’t the case at all. She’s started telling our other friends that he’s not treating me right so they’re getting concerned which isn’t true at all. Once we first got together, she wasn’t the most supportive about it. She told me to steer clear. Charming. Maybe she’s jealous? Maybe she secretly wanted him, I don’t know.

After writing this all out, I can see why I’m getting so angry at the moment. I need to take a step back and just breathe. Have a bath, enjoy a book and just relaxxxxxxxxx.

Confused

This quote sums me up right now. I just don’t know anything about everything.

My main big I don’t knows are about my job and my boyfriend.

My job is a bit of a nightmare at the moment. We’ve just moved offices from a town to a city. The commute itself isn’t that bad unless you miss a train like I did this morning. It makes the day A LOT longer. Getting up earlier in the morning is killing me. We’re still learning our way around the office and where IT have moved everything.

I do like my actual job. I’m an Admin Assistant in our Onboarding department. It’s my first step closer to HR which is good but our processes just don’t work. Our Finance Director is so busy she never has time to approve the job offers or equipment orders. This then delays our Security team being able to do their thing and they require at least 2 weeks to get anything done. After that, it also delays our equipment arriving in time for our new starters. What a great start to a new company if you have no equipment to do your job on. Not.

I’ve mentioned it to my manager who is only recently my manager as the other one left during the move. She’s also super ridiculously busy and doesn’t really have time for my moans. I did explain that nothing is getting done and it feels like my job is just not working. She tried her best and it fixed things for about a week. She then had a week’s annual leave and we’re back to the same shit. I can’t keep moaning at her. She doesn’t do emotions.

I’m getting a bit fed up of just being moaned at too which is ironic as I’m doing a lot of moaning at the moment. But as soon as there is a problem, it comes straight to me and it’s my job to fix it. I appreciate that these situations are frustrating and stressful but there’s no need to take it out on me when I’m doing my best and it’s not even my fault to begin with.

Another disadvantage to my job is that I see one of my close friends everyday. I love her to bits, I’ve known her since I was a little girl and she helped me out by sending on my CV to get this job in the first place but she’s driving me a bit mad. She doesn’t leave me alone. She’s obsessed. I don’t like seeing people everyday. What else is there to say? Her boyfriend works here too. He literally doesn’t speak. Or if he does, it’s through her. She doesn’t leave him alone either. I can see a pattern. Maybe she’s feeling vulnerable and wants to be with everyone all the time? I don’t know….

My boyfriend also works here which is where I met her so I can’t complain too much. I’m very grateful for my job for that. He’s a good boy, most of the time. I just find him a bit confusing at the moment. He has quite a busy, important role in our Finance department so we don’t really talk much at work which deep down I know is a good thing. We don’t want to be that couple that is together all the time but he just doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about much at the moment. Every time we have a free evening/day he just wants to chill and watch the football which I understand but we can’t do this all the time surely? I basically live with him so maybe he’s feeling smothered? I don’t know. I’m going home tonight so maybe that will help.

It might be good for me to be on my own for a night. Have a nice, dreamy bath and just relax. I do love him but I wish he showed a bit more interest sometimes. I occasionally feel like his order of priority is: work, smoke, his phone, football than me. At least I’m in the top 5, better than my last boyfriend at least but still. I want to feel wanted and it’s lacking at the moment.

Blimey – no wonder I’m so tired at the moment if I’ve got all of these thoughts going through my head.

I’m trying to lose weight but I’m not putting in enough effort. I’ve signed back up to the gym but it’s my diet that is an issue. I was being good until I had a Dominos last night. The reason we ended up ordering food was because my boyfriend’s housemate and girlfriend took over the kitchen with their cooking. They take hours to cook things so we never stood a chance. Maybe I should learn to be more patient but I got home and just wanted to eat and there they were. Grrr. They are nice people so I shouldn’t be too grumpy about it but they do get in the way.

I’m desperate for my own place. I’ve been wanting my own flat for so long. I like living with my boyfriend but it’s not my house. It will never will be. It’s his room so I can’t ask him to clear out some of his shit. They don’t have a microwave which is pure madness. They don’t even have a proper boiler so I can’t have a bath unless I want a lukewarm one. Who wants a lukewarm bath??? Their showers are out of this world. You either get burnt alive or it’s freezing cold. There’s no in between and you can’t turn it down or up. Helpful.

I’m so glad I’m going on holiday in 7 and a half working days time. I think it’s needed so I can rest the worried, full of anxiety and worries head.

 

 

Grateful

I’ve been good lately. Too good. Until yesterday. 

Had a bit of a moment in the bath. Suddenly released what I’ve become so good at blocking in my mind. 

I felt extremely stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted. 

It’s not easy to get out of so here’s a list I wrote of things to be grateful about. 

– flowers, they’re so pretty and yes they die but then you can more prettiness

– cats, so fluffy and purry and cute 

– love, its lovely when someone loves you and you love then. Relationships, friendships, family

– music 

– makeup, nothing a bit of lipstick can’t do to make you own the day 

– rivers, with all their animals and plants and boats 

– food, creme eggs chicken nuggets Turkey dinosaurs sausages smoky bacon crisps 

– smiles 🙂 

– clouds 

That will do for now. 

Bugs

This week I’ve had a few little things bugging me so thought I’d write a list of them and help me forget about them.

• Running out of money – why is everything so expensive? why is everyone after your money?
• Doctor Receptionists – so unhelpful
• Fuckboys – no explanation needed
• Daredevil – the TV series I mean, the character has been a bit of an asshole this series
• Allergies – been popping hayfever tablets all week
• Personal space – work colleagues getting too close when updating the whiteboard which is right next to me
• Anti-recyclists – certain people at work making silly rules to kill more trees
• Feelings – feeling like a bad person for something that happened in the past
• Fake friends – work colleagues in particular
• Driving – massive insecurity for me
• Brother – stop eating everything
• Cat – so attention seeking

Feel better already 🙂