The above photo was me this morning.
Mum & I haven’t been getting on very well the last few weeks.
She calls me high maintenance and I think she’s a negative influence.
You should choose your fights carefully but its difficult.
She doesn’t understand my anxieties and I’m expected to just get on with life as I’m the stable child apparently.
My little brother currently has a sore back from whiplash so he can’t move around much but can go clubbing? Hmm.
He’s also at a shitty job which he chose. He has a psycho girlfriend which he chose. Who has a baby with another man whilst dating him which he’s now choosing to bring up.
See a pattern? He chose these things and he says he’s happy for it which is great but he’s still the special one.
The older I get, the more I get fed up of this and feel myself distancing away from my family.
I really can’t wait to have my own place.
On a lighter note, I’m very lucky to have such a lovely, supportive boyfriend and some great friends who keep me in check.
I recently went to a party on a Friday night.
It was going well. Few drinks, good company and a Chinese takeaway for dinner, yum.
Then the game “cards against humanity” came out….
I hate this game. Not because I’m sensitive, but because it reminds me how I felt at school.
Reading in front of the class and mispronouncing words or not knowing what they mean.
It sucked. Big time.
I mispronounced a word and everyone laughed. Yes I’m being sensitive but it upset me. School was tough for me and it hit a sore spot.
I wasn’t even sly about it, they all knew it upset me.
It just made me think “am I stupid or is there something wrong?”
I’ve always struggled with the English language. Especially pronouncing words, it just gets a bit muddled in my head.
Does this mean I have a type of dyslexia? I don’t know.
Can any of you out there offer any advice?
Tuesday was fun. I was a very grumpy lady all day and I have no idea why.
I keep blaming work and how I hate my job and the people I’m surrounded by all day.
But really, I think it’s me.
I just don’t feel happy in my head and its starting to become a problem. I use to think I was a happy person but not at all recently.
Is something wrong? Who knows.
I’m just trying my best to get through the day and that’s all anyone can do. Their best.
I cheered myself up by seeing an old friend and going to the cinema. We saw a film called the shallows which has the gorgeous Blake Lively in.
Massive girl crush although my highlight of the film was Steven the seagull. What a babe.
Its important to have things to look forward to.
Everyone has their down days. But it’s true, you do need to move on.
I found out today that my brother who’s learning to drive, had a crash in mum’s car.
Straight away, it brought back all these horrible memories and my anxiety about driving.
Obviously this isn’t about me. Its about my brother and he’s ok. He’s a lot stronger than me mentally.
It just made me think. Who do you talk to your feelings about?
I come from quite a hard, negative family whereas if you feel sad, you just get on with it.
Which isn’t a bad thing. It makes you strong but sometimes you need a moment.
Being sad doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
Not everyone understands mental health. Not everyone can help but they mean well. They don’t want you sad. They want you to be fun and excitable.
Definitely not. Unless you’re close. Day to day people just don’t care. Which sucks but that’s how it is.
Once you leave work, you won’t hear from them again.
Yeah,maybe. Supportive and kind. Available for cuddles and love. Similar to friends, wants you to be happy.
I guess this post was just to say be sad but try not to let it beat you.
Not having a very good day today.
I don’t feel myself. I feel sad. I feel weak. I feel tired.
There’s nothing to be sad about. There’s nothing wrong. So why do I feel so rubbish?
My mind is playing tricks on me again. Maybe it’s related to my period. Maybe it’s related to my anxiety. I don’t know.
I’m just trying to keep going. Trying to see if anyone feels like me.
Everyone seems fine as per.
I don’t like reading or watching the news at the moment. It’s just a very scary, dark place at the moment.
We need love, show hope and kindness. Maybe it will get easier time.
Sorry for the rambling.
I wrote this on the journey back from Alton Towers on my phone due to no signal.
I was trying to keep calm about being stuck in the car for so many hours and not being listened to.
I recently went away for a few days with my boyfriend and some friends.
I’ve learnt a lot.
One of them is that I’m not very tolerant of people and am extremely lucky to have a brilliant boyfriend who puts up with me.
We went to Alton Towers and we were just about to go on the Smiler which I was having massive doubts about.
I know I was being silly. All rides are dangerous and a potential risk but the reputation of this ride and the recent accident with it was all I could think about.
I didn’t want to lose a leg or have something horrific happen.
It didn’t help that it looks fairly creepy too but basically I had a bit of an anxiety attack and just couldn’t go on it.
Luckily, my boyfriend sensed almost straight away and knew I wasn’t happy. So he grabbed my hand and took me away from the ride 🙂
My friends called me a coward but I didn’t care. I wasn’t happy so I didn’t do it.
I don’t regret it at all. Even if it meant missing out on a supposed good ride.
Always listen to your instincts.
I’m going away for a few days tonight. You would think I was excited to not be at work or to spend some time with some of my closest friends. Nope.
I’m anxious. My anxiety is kicking in.
I’m going with three people. My boyfriend and my two best friends. I know I’m safe. Especially with my boyfriend and oldest friend. They get me.
It’s more the third friend. She’s great, I do love her to bits. She’s hilarious and lots of fun but she’s just not the person to go to if I’m feeling unsure or having an anxiety attack. She doesn’t believe in mental health. Her words were “mental health isn’t real, if you can’t see it it’s not there”
It hit a nerve.
It’s just so ignorant and flat out wrong. How else would you explain my silly worries over nothing? My feelings for being scared of nothing? What about all the people who are locked away in psychiatric units? What about that poor girl in Orlando who was shot by a mental person?
I know I should forget about it and move on but I’m finding it difficult. I have to spend 2 and a half days with a person who won’t understand if my mood changes or I’m not myself.
For all I know, I’m worrying about nothing and there won’t be anything to kick off about. We might have a really nice, fun time. That’s what I hope.
I know I’m being silly, I can’t help these thoughts.
I should concentrate on the fact that we have people in our life for different reasons. So, I can still friends with this person but maybe she can be the person I go to if I want to have fun or laugh lots.
I wish I could just close my mind sometimes. Like have an off button. That would be useful.